Dear Annie: Iâm living in anger towards men, thanks to my dad

Dear Annie: My mother separated from my father when I was 3. She left my father, who never came looking for us. She later married a wonderful man who loves me more than anything.

When I was 15, a family member was able to get in touch with my biological father. The next day, he changed his phone number.

Recently, I did a DNA test and was able to connect with a cousin. I’ve been told that my biological father has since remarried and has two children. She gave him my number, and he has reached out to me. He wants to meet me but has no intention of telling his family about me.

I’m hanging onto this hatred and wondering if that is why, at the age of 40, I still can’t see past the worst in men. Do I live with this anger or do I move on? — Stuck in Anger

Dear Stuck: Living in anger is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. It is understandable that you are angry with your biological father. He sounds like he was an unhappy man. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself, not the other person. Try to see that your biological father was very limited in the love or support that he could give you. This had nothing to do with you and everything to do with his limitations.

As for your anger with men, try putting your attention on the wonderful men in your life instead of those who aren’t present. Case in point: the man your mother married. You said that he loves you more than anything. That type of love between a daughter and stepdad is so beautiful. Focus on that, and you will be much happier. If you need help in letting go of the anger and hurt of your father’s abandonment, then consider seeking the help of a professional therapist. There is a kindness about your letter, and kind people let go of anger.

Read more Dear Annie and other advice columns.

“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit Creators Publishing for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to [email protected].